3 Dec 2008

Indecision

This morning I woke up to a cold house.  Last Saturday the timer on the heating system in my house was repaired. I then set the times I wanted the heat to come on, every morning at 5 AM. Only I wake up before that most days. It's nice to lie in a warm bed and have a little snooze sometimes. This morning though, I came downstairs, into a very cold house. It is -3°C outside. Even as I type this, the workmen from the City Council are outside collecting the bottles and cans and other recyclables. Oddly enough, this morning they are being careful not to cause too much rattling. You won't believe the racket bottles make when they're tipped into a large bin.

Sitting here with a cup of tea, and reading the newspapers, I find myself mentally unprepared to comment on the total shite that passes for brains in the PNM government in Trinidad and Tobago. Therefore I am not stressing myself out.

Instead I am going to concentrate on other things. I have an opportunity to travel to Trinidad for Christmas, to see family I have not seen for over 4 years. Funny how times flies, even when you are not having fun.

The downside is that if I travel, most likely I have to travel without Punks. Why? Her mother is refusing to let her go with me. Yet, she wants to migrate to Canada and take Punks with her.

That's sort of defeating the purpose of me being in England, since I came up here when Punks was missing me and homesick. After being here for 6 years, and building a new life from scratch, it is a bit too much now to let her go on the whim of another person, especially on such a permanent basis. A holiday is far different from a permanent move, isn't it?

Of course, I can always return to Trinidad since I have no ties to England, other than an excellent health care system. (^_^)

Starting over will be hard. Of course it won't be even half as hard as starting out in England 6 years ago. I challenge anyone to begin life again with only the contents of 1 suitcase and no financial resources; you will see just how hard it can be. Not having employment experience in England made it a lot harder, as most employers won't touch me with a barge pole. But I got my first job after 3 months of looking (as an IT manager), and from then on there was no looking back.

My friend R from Trinidad came here several years ago, with a mere £50 and clothing suitable for Trinidad. Being born here in England, he grew up in Trinidad, and after A levels returned to England alone at the age of 18. Just £50, no other resources, no place to live, not knowing anyone. The first winter, he stole clothing off people's lines to keep warm.

Today he is a medical doctor, after having first working as an A grade(cleaning up patients) to put himself through nursing school and attaining a Grade E position as a nurse, where he worked and paid for his medical degree. He is also married and has twin children. That's an example of dedication for you.

Back to Punks and my possible trip. Yesterday my friend was telling sometimes you have to do things for yourself. I agree, but I am still undecided - I will feel guilty at being in Trinidad and enjoying myself especially when I know how badly Punks wishes she could be there too. Or would I be enjoying myself if I am feeling guilty?

On the other hand, there are so many reasons why going is a good thing, and quite a lot have nothing to do with family. Thinking about this makes my head hurt.

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