Readers would probably be wondering where I have disappeared to these past few days. I haven’t actually ‘disappeared’ merely been a bit busy with activities other than those involving this blog and the Internet.
I realised that I spend way too much time on a computer. My job requires me to be on a PC 8 hours a day, and my studies may add another 6 on top of that… not to mention the hours I spend perusing news, articles of interest etc.
In making a few necessary changes, I opted to deliberately stay away from my PC. Truthfully, I cheat a little since I access my email on my phone, usually just before I retire to bed. (^_~)
However, I am reading more, walking more, doing more photography and gardening… things that rests my eyes (my vision has deteriorated to the point where I cannot read without special reading glasses any more). I am currently reading a book called “NOW, Discover your strengths!”
I have just finished revisiting some older favourites, one being some books of the “Chicken Soup for the Soul” series. I finished my entire James Herriot collection, and ignored the entirely forgettable Ian Fleming's James Bond collection. I think perhaps if it wasn’t for all those hot women and explosions in the movies, these books would have been easily forgotten. They should be anyway.
The past couple of months, I have been a little enigmatic. I think readers are aware that I recently suffered from dengue fever, but not that during that illness I also suffered a tremendous shock that left me devastated. The combination of both nearly put me over the edge.
The fact is, my friend Pagli who is also married to me but never came to England, actually told me she was having an affair with someone else. And that she did not care whether I lived or died. Those were her exact words.
Considering that it’s been 10 years since I have met her and fell in love with her, well, as you can imagine the shock was almost too much to bear. A decade is more than most marriages last nowadays.
In the past 2 months though, I realised I am worth more than this type of treatment, and I have rallied rather well. I am proud of recognising my worth, and the progress I made from putting this unhealthy relationship behind. I realised that for 10 years I have been giving, and she was taking, and that no relationship can survive on love alone, but needs appreciation too. I have excised her from my life along with other people who do not appreciate me.
In time, I guess I will be myself again. I look forward to that day.
15 Comments:
Although I have mixed feelings about your bringing this stuff so far into the public domain, I agree with the principle - if it operates here - that those who keep back or keep down a good man, should be sacked!
You seem, from your side of the story (and there are always two sides), to have suffered long and hard.
However, one has to wonder what part you contributed to the whole thing. By analogy only, abusive spousal relationships take two to tango i.e. the abuser and the abused. Usually the abused though partially ensnared, will often willingly perpetuate the abuse by some kind of 'attachment'.
I know you'd rather put all this behind you now. However, I must ask what you have learned about yourself, that armours you against a similar mistake in the present and future? And how and why could you not have seen the 'mistake' at the time (i.e. over so long a period)? I'm hoping that you can give more that just "Well I woke up." sort of answer, because that would beg another question, namely 'Why it took you so long (10 years) to wake up.'
I think these are fair questions. You and your readers must be interested to learn from your mistakes. Learning means setting in place a new or modified 'system' of operation that greatly reduces the probability of repetition - and part of that must be pattern-recognition. Over to you.
wow u mean all the time you talked about pagli your friend she was your wife? well i do admire your courage to bring this out and sympathize with the situation. 10 years is a long time so there's no fast or easy way getting over this...but you will and the best part is that you recognized your worth which is an important step.
Jazon, the answer to your qustion is yes... though for most of that time she has refused to come to England.
Captain, I am still examining myself, and will inform you in due course what I discover along the route to recovery.
Jumbie ... I have tuh say ... this one was a shocker ... I too (like Jazon) couldn't believe that Pagli is your wife ...
When I read the post (since de odda day) .... I just didn't know what to say .... and I still don't know what tuh say ... so ah doh even know why ah trying tuh comment ... cuz when yuh goin tru stuff like dis ... yuh eh want tuh hear no crap from anybody ... cuz everything does jus sound dumb and cliche ....
an' talkin bout cliches .... this too shall pass!
Scene,
I appreciate what you are trying to say. Thanks.
I'm a little confused, where does she live?
Either way I'm sorry your hurting right now, here's to better times, onward and upward.
Sorry to hear about your tough times Jumbie.It looks like you are on the right path to recovery.
I know from experience how it is if you enable somebody to walk all over you. Good thing is that we learn from our mistakes.
CP, she has lived in Trinidad since I met her. She did resign her job to come with me to England and even bought a ticket... but backed out the morning of the flight while I was waiting at the airport for her. This was in 2006.
Thanks for your kind thoughts, but truthfully, I will get better and move on. I have had hard knocks all my life and I am a strong chap from all of it.
Anon, I do dislike anonymous(e) comenters, so I suggest a nom de plume in future. But thank you for your thoughts and kindness as well.
So hang on, some things not really fitting quite rightly - at least in my mind.
That photo is dated late 2005, which might lead us to a conclusion (not assuming anything else) that it was the date 11/09/2005 that this 'marriage' took place.
You "fell in love with her" 10 years ago.
Where does punks and her mother fit in in this timeline? Assuming - as any other reader might, not knowing you personally - that punks' mother is someone else, how come you're presumably married to this someone else while loving this Pagli to the extent that you then go off and get married again presumably in 2005 (whatever 'married' means - that's not the issue). The issue is committment within a relationship - the one where punks is produced. Are you going to duck all this? I'm looking at it from the perspective of someone who knows nothing about the in's and out's of the situation, at all.
Aye Capitan, you sure to bring up a very salient point.
I met Pagli several months after I separated from my ex-wife, we started dating the week after I met her. I got divorced some months after.
At the time in 9th November 2005 when we got married, it was a bit of an elopement. The day before, I had gone to meet her father to ask to marry her. Silly man refused to speak to me, or even come out of his house to meet me, since for years his opinion of me was that I 'wasn't good enough' for his daughter. Growing up in poverty does have that reaction on fathers, I've noticed.
Next day Pagli called me to meet her in San Fernando, took me to a pundit where she had made all the arrangements and we got married, under Hindu rites, since we are both Hindus.
At the time of this marriage to Pagli, I was already divorced.
Yeah, but 10 years ago is 1999-ish! So ah notice yuh duckin' dat and headin' for dee issue about dee timing of marriage. [Okay..yuh jes sayin']
You will note that I said "The issue is committment within a relationship - the one where punks is produced.", so that should have given you a clue that I wasn't too interested in timing of marriage (however, marriage is defined).
You opened the 'can of worms' to the world - so I hope you don't mind my exploration of the 'worms' or the 'can'. Okay fuh argument sake call it a can of anyt'ing...it doh bodda (aka bother) me.
So - how come you were in love with dis uman whilst you're married to someone else. Look nah man, I eh interested in talk like 'Don't people fall in love with others, whilst married?' - which in the generality of things is meaningless, and would be seen as an attempt to duck. Doh do a 'duck and run' now - yuh know. I's ah obvious question, because here you are telling us that you get marrid (aka married) to dis uman in a snap, so you must have known her really well and loved her a lot.
Presumably - and I can only presume here, because I don't know the facts - that this 'love' did not jes develop shortly before Nov 2005 (punks now aged about 4 - 5 I guesstimate). Marriage of any kind is a serious business/commitment.
I met Pagli several months after I separated from my ex-wife, we started dating the week after I met her. I got divorced some months after.
Nothing could be clearer. I wasn't involved with my ex-wife while I was involved with Pagli. In fact, my ex-wife had already migrated to England after our separation when I met Pagli.
And when Pagli and I got married, we'd already known each other for about 6 years. It was not that you get marrid (aka married) to dis uman in a snap, and I did know her really well and loved her a lot.
There was no committment with regards to the ex wife. The reason the divorce took some months was because we waited till she came back from England to have it processed through the courts.
However, all this is going through a lot of the past, and not really being progressive towards my health. I only answer your questions because I am determined to show you there is some logic behind my reasoning and the sequence of events, and I am not a madman. (^_~)
Sorry Jumbie the anon was me, I entered my name but pushed the wrong button.
Okay Chica, you're forgiven :-)
"..several months after I separated from my ex-wife, we started dating the week after I met her."
Dat kinda vagueness good fuh monkey rock crawlers, not fuh me. Yuh know yuh invitin' presshaaa wid dem kinda vague ting.
Boy, ah jes had tuh check on w'at dee word several mean (aka means). Dey say it mean more dan 2 or 3 but not many. So den ah had tuh check w'at many mean. Many means a 'large indefinite number'. So up tuh now ah figure out dat 'several months' mean more dan '2 or 3 but not many'. So ah guessin' now from dee vague statement dat you met Pagli between 2 and probably up tuh about 24 months (I imagine).
'..after I separated from my ex-wife' - oh pray tell maybe is only me who eh know when dat is.
Den you got divorced 'some months' - so ah had to go and check what 'some' mean. And lo and behold some means: an unspecified number or quantity - which frankly to any average reasonable person is as vague as you could ever get.
Dee way yuh vague a 'fraid tuh arks fuh specifics now. No ah doh expec' it dong tuh dee microsecond..but come nah man..words like 'several', 'many' and 'some' really present nothing of substance.
"And when Pagli and I got married, we'd already known each other for about 6 years."
Eh heh? Well leh meh see eef ah good at sums. 2005 minus 6 equals 1999. So you were "separated" from your ex-wife in 1999 - 2000, den? Separated doh mean yuh could jes go an' marrid somebody else. People does separate and make up - all dee time. In fact separation could be a healthy move...but obviously you know yuh business betta dan me.
"However, all this is going through a lot of the past, and not really being progressive towards my health."
Dat might get you some sympathy from dee res' a dee crowd out here. You was dee one to open it up - so face dee music.
"I am determined to show you there is some logic behind my reasoning and the sequence of events, and I am not a madman."
Your logic is usually sharper and less vague dan what I see on this particular thread. Dee answers so vague it answers nothing to the discerning few. Madman? Come nah man...lack of logic doh make anybody a madman..else half a Monkey Rock and UK parliament woulda be lock-up in dee likes of St. Ann's madhouse. You should appreciate dat point.
So leh we get dong tuh fac's dat everybody could see fuh demselves (aka themselves). Dis pillorying of Pagli is one-sided as it must be. Somet'ing still eh addin' up breds. You might t'ink it addin up because you have it sussed in your head. However, yuh know I does talk plain..it eh addin up for anybody else who lookin' at it wid dee vague info you presented. I does tend to look at dee odda side too.
Yuh notice you focussin' on dee ex-wife and divorce and all kinda t'ing, and I not. I jes tryin' tuh understand dee timeline fuh how dis Pagli arrive on dee scene somewhey back in 1999 by my calculation..buh so far i's like pullin' teeth, man.
Leh we see - when were you lawfully divorced from wife No.1 (assuming dat Pagli is wife no. 2)? Doh gih meh dee 'several months' kinda t'ing.
Duck or run? Ah hear England givin' W'Indies presshaa dong dey on dee Rock boy! West Indies trailin' England by 197 runs with 6 wickets remaining (at dee time of posting).
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