4 Sept 2009

The Kevin Awards

Reprinted with the permission of Kevin Baldeosingh.

The Fixed Order of T&T

In failing to disclose that she broke a fixed deposit with Clico, then claiming she didn't know it was fixed since it had rolled over, Finance Minister Karen Nunez-Tesheira has proved beyond reasonable doubt that she never had a pet dog. Despite this lack of training or experience, however, she has quickly learned to act like a PNM poodle. The award is conferred on that basis. Nunez-Tesheira also failed to mention that she had shares in CL Financial even as she oversaw the corporation's bailout, and proved that every skin-teeth is not a smile when she told Parliament there was no conflict of interest since the bailout was a Cabinet decision. If Nunez-Tesheira can avoid giggling when she presents the Budget next Monday, she'll also receive a year's supply of Pepsodent white-strips.

The Dumbing Herd Medal

Dr Tim Gopeesingh has been awarded this award for his allegation that ethnic cleansing was taking place in the Port of Spain General Hospital, even though the doctors cleansed didn't know what he was talking about. What made Dr Gopeesingh a shoo-in for this medal was his stout defence of the term ethnic cleansing as "the expulsion of an 'undesirable' population from a given territory due to religious or ethnic discrimination, political, strategic or ideological considerations, or a combination of these." In order to prove that he was right, Dr Gopeesingh is bringing a motion to Parliament so the POSGH can get its own currency, flag, and native frogs.

The Draconian Medal

Awarded to former Independent Senator Gail Merhair, who is still a Senator, for refusing to thwart the Government, read the Constitution, or do anything that would make Patrick pout.

The Macconia Medal

No other Government Minister has displayed such a penchant for gallerying as Sport Minister Gary Hunt, who claims he needed 172 tickets to a football match for Government officials, then insisted that Opposition MPs and Independent Senators are not part of Government. On realising he couldn't apply this same logic to disfavoured MP Keith Rowley, Mr Hunt blamed the weather, traffic, and Rowley failing to call Hunt to ask for a free ticket. Now, not only are ordinary citizens maccoing the Sport Minister, but they are doing so cut-eye. This does not faze Mr Hunt, who is embarrassed only by bushy eyebrows.

The Public Disservice Medal

Awarded to attorney Israel Khan for either losing his cool, or pretending to lose his cool, over Calder Hart. Having been appointed to the Uff Commission of Inquiry despite being a declared PNM supporter, Khan insisted that he could still be objective and unbiased, if not combed. Accused of racism by UDecott's attorneys, Khan responded with a ten-page letter denying any such tendencies and pointing out that he had children in Canada where they run the risk of dying from boredom.

The Short Order of T&T

Despite floods all over the country, three collapsed bridges within a year, and $400,000 to open an incomplete overpass, all calls for responsibility fly over Works Minister Colm Imbert's head, as do most things. Also, writing so many letters to the editor about anti-PNM critics keeps Mr Imbert too busy to replace his political paranoia with basic competence. This award has been given for his ability to instantly blame any disasters on private contractors, stationary clouds, and people who don't grin fatuously. Colm has made it clear that the buck doesn't stop at his desk, though he never says a word about the several billion of them which vanish at Udecott's.

The Protection Order of T&T

Awarded mainly to the minority of police officers who hide cocaine and guns in ceilings and homes, who steal cash when arresting bandits who have stolen cash, but also to the majority of officers who see no evil, hear no evil, and speak no evil, except when shooting poor people who are acting suspiciously.

The Disorder Order of T&T

Awarded to President George Maxwell Richards so he can give this medal to George Maxwell Richards, thus making his regard for self official. Unable to detect integrity if it was presented to him in a non-plagiarised essay about chemical bonds and why they're better than pink handcuffs, Max however sees ethical merit in pate de foie gras. On this basis, he claims that it is now difficult to find persons willing to serve on the Integrity Commission because they either fear public scrutiny, blush easily, or chew with their mouths open. It has not crossed Max's mind that anyone who accepts an appointment to the IC from this President thereby proves they're unfit for the post or, if it has, he probably thinks such ethical considerations are "fuelled by lack of deep consideration of all the issues pertinent to resignation".