Re-enter Skype

Well, some muz be wondering what is skype. Yes dey still have people out dey who eh know w’at it is. And dey ‘fraid no ass to even click a button and try it.

Some a my so-called friends, t’ink – buh dey eh saying so – dat I want to make some morney orf dem by encouragin’ dem to get skype. How ah know dat? Do I t’ink I is a mind reader? Yes to dee latter. Look – like everybody else, I does suss out people vocal patterns, eye contact, dithering, delaying and lame excuses. So here’s the news – people kyan read other’s minds!

So – am I gonna STFU and tell you what Skype is? Like no. Yuh see I doh really care if you try skype or not! Because most likely you eh go be using it to talk to me. So nuthin’ in it for me. I does jes share tools that are likely to be of some benefit to dee human race. I know dee tools does help me, so I cool wid dat.

Well, eef you eh have time to read dis and you decide ‘daize it.. choo mat wid he..’ i’s not me dat lorsin’ anyt’ing. So why ah writin’ dis, den? Well Skype is only one t’ing dat gives me an insight into human nature. And many know dat The Cyaptain is a misanthropic student of human nature.

So much for all dat – you can check out skype now or you could make excuses how ah take so long dat yuh pot burnin’, or yuh need tuh bathe a dorg or yuh go check it later after yuh take a res’ – ah know all dee talk a’ready! As ah say, me eh care bout yuh dorg, pot – or wha’ever. I only care to gih human nature presshaaaahhh!

My FMR (frequently made responses) to FMQC (frequently made comments/questions).

1. “Wha’ SKYPE does?”: It allows you to communicate in real time via text, voice and video, for free to anyone else who using skype. Well who tell me say dat? Oh gord 5 of meh so called friends start going - “Ah eh have a cyamera.. ah eh have a microphone.. meh computa real weak; ah t’ink it have a virus” etc etc. Well I doh blame dem. I am also a ‘so-called’ friend to dem – and you gotta be careful when you talking to a fella like me, because it eh easy. So I could well understand dat dey eh really avoiding Skype; dat is me dey avoiding. Well as you know I sack more friends dan I make so – I cool.
2. “What else it could do – would it do the ironing, and take the kids to school?” – No. There are other nice features like conference calls i.e. you could talk to several people in different parts of the world (or in the same neighbourhood locally) like if you all are in one room (still free – in case your middle names are ‘Doubting’ and ‘Thomas’). Another exciting recent feature in Skype 4.1 (for pc) and 2.8 for (Mac) is the ability to share your screen with another friend. Look - don’t worry, they won’t get to your secret stash of nude pics – unless you want to share them. So, that’s settled – you can show each other features of new software, sort out computer problems, discuss a document – all in real time.
3. How much it cost again? – like FREE. Zero, zilch, nada, like forever, no pyramid selling.
4. “Yuh lie – nuthin is free” – Good den doh take my word for it, jes leave it alone.. bye bye.
5. “I eh even have a computa (aka computer)” – Interestingly yuh doh even need a computer to run skype! Some people just have it on dey cell phones.
6. “But I live in a Banana Republic, so we eh have internet on we cellphones” – well den yuh cyah use in on yuh cellphone daize all.
7. “Oh so yuh could call cellphones dat runnin’ skype for free?” – Eh hehhhhh!! Now yuh ketchin dee idea! You can call from cellphone to cellphone or from computer to cellphone (all how) once i’s a skype-to-skype call – fuh free!!!! How much time ah say FREEEE? Ah lorse count.
8. “But dey mus’ be a ketch dey. Normally i’s big money to call cellphones locally muchless for overseas cellphones!?” – If you find dee ketch and you produce sound evidence that you were billed for a Skype to Skype call, I’ll give you $USD 20.00 to be paid via PayPal (only). See – I does put my money whey my mouth is.
9. “But kyan you call ah local or overseas landline wid skype?” – Yes you can – but they charge a small fee. For most countries like USA, UK etc it’s like £0.02 /min. And you can call from your cellphone to those countries at dem kinda rates. No – daize not dee ‘ketch’. Skype to Skype is still free. Free unlimited calls!
10. “Dee video-conferencing any good?” – Yeah.. real good. Yes, yuh will need a decent spec cyamera, if yuh want to do video-conferencing. 
11. “What eef ah eh have a microphone?” – like get one nah - it cheaper dan a pack o’ cigarettes or a bottle ah rum! Oh gord.. oh gord. Now you could see why I does get dee non-verbals. Suggest anyt’ing dat will separate a Donkey Rock crawler from dey cigarette and rum; now yuh looking fuh trouble.
12. “Ah fraid porn!” – Good and porn fraid you too, so no worries dey!
13. “Ah cyah connect to dee intanet (aka internet), boy wid TSTT is preshhaaaah! I eh know why I givin dem meh morney.” – Yeah, well doh worry wid it den – but jes disconnec’ from TSTT and gih me dee money instead. Dat way yuh no worse off.
14. “Buh me eh know nobody wid skype” – A’right, ah see what yuh mean.
15. “Ah cyah type self tuh send text messages!” – Lorn tuh type! Practise.
16. “Boy, yuh cyah teach ol’ dogs new tricks nah, I and computers doh mix.” – Really? I think old dogs who cyah learn new tricks should be put down instantly!
17. “I eh want people calling me up all hours of dee day and night” – Okay, so disconnect yuh house phone (aka landline) farse (aka fast), and doh bodda wid Skype because i’s jes like another kind of phone.

Well amazingly – I speak at least twice a week with a very senior person dong on dee Rock via Skype.Guess how old dis fella is? 87 – No – daize not a typo. So hear what eef you cyah get skype to wuk for whatever reason – somet’ing seriously wrong wid yuh brains! Go get a check up. Daize it. No ifs, ands – and dee only butts I’ll have, is dee ones I inflict pain upon by severe kickings!