22 Nov 2009

'Up to' my rear end

I'm now totally fed up of the words 'up to'. Up to dis and up to dat. 'Everything' is 'up to' deese days.

Right - so I go looking for a new broadband provider. The bastards keep going up to 10Mps, up to 20Mps and up to 50 Mps. They refuse to say what is the minimum guaranteed speed - or range of speeds - I can expect for my money. But hold on - dey don't expect me to say "I'll pay up to £39/mth". No - the bastards expect me to pay a flat fee for 'up to' any shit dey can pipe at any speed dey feel! Dat eh fair.

Eef dey givin' me up to dis and dat.. den I should pay up to dis and dat. Dey want to deliver whatever dey can and den squeeze my stones with constant pressshaaahhh.. dat eh fair. I say nah - eef you deliver less, squeeze my stones less!

Dis up to t'ing has been on my nerves for the last year, not jes in respect of broadband - i's all kinda t'ing. Like you go into a sale "Up to 70% off" - den you find one rag dat discounted by 70%, if you lucky, in the whole shop. So I vex man. I think anything labelled 'up to' should be guaranteed by a minumum level of service, frequency or performance. For example if the sale said 'Up to 70% discount', then retailers should by law be obliged to declare what percentage of products are discounted by that figure.

So broadband providers should have to say something like, "50% of our customers received 10Mps on a 20Mps package." Or they could display a frequency distribution graph of what customers actually receive. Well you could see whey dat going. It wouldn't be good for business if advertised like dat, because the average customer will suddenly wise up and probably think, "Huh why am I being humped for £39/mth if I have half the chance of getting my money's worth?" [Aye look, I eh interested in whey have dee bes' price broadband in the UK - ah quite capable of finding all dee information fuh mehself. I holdin' on to one particular issue, which is dis 'up to' business.]

Ah mean look at it anodda way. I's like eef a fella go to a prostitute (notwithstanding any moral viewpoint on dis) and say, "Ahm.. how much time ah getting for meh £200?".. and she goes, "Up to 15 min".. well unless he is an imber(t)cile (aka totally dohtish), he might think "Eh heh.. ah could be out in 5 min or less.. Bad deal!". Yes I like to sexualise these things because sex tends to make more salient the core issue.

The whole point is that businesses in 'Rip-off Britain' continue with a kind of lawful dishonesty in advertising. Yeah ah know it happening in odda parts of dee worl' - buh dat doh make it right.