24 Dec 2010

Kevin’s Xmas list

Of the two mythical figures of Xmas, Santa is more popular than Jesus. Hence the reason it's more accurate to write the season's title with an "X" rather than a "Christ" (which—although most Christians don't seem to know this—wasn't actually Jesus's surname). But the two characters have the same attitude towards gift-giving: Jesus allegedly came to give eternal life to everyone who is good, and Santa gives gifts only to good boys and girls.

In both cases, bribes are being offered in return for desired behaviour: yet people continually express surprise when these same children grow up and, if they get into official posts, take bribes to get what they desire.

Anyway, unlike Santa and Jesus, I don't think people who have sinned should be deprived of gifts. It's just a matter of choosing the right one. Here, then, are my suggestions for items which last-minute sycophants may wish to purchase for the objects of their affections:

Jack Warner & George Nicholas. What can you get for two men who have everything, including politicians in their back pocket? Funnily enough, this actually makes choosing a gift for Jack and George easier. What they need is a second hole since, as we all know, two man-rats can't live in one. However, both holes must be exactly the same size, with at least eight bedrooms, two kitchens, five bathrooms, and a room full of mirrors with an automated voice response that says "You are!" when asked "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the richest of them all?"

Keith Rowley. This Xmas, I would suggest that you buy the Leader of the Opposition a spine. Maybe something in bone. Rowley didn't even dare criticise his erstwhile leader Patrick Manning for the latter's specious allegations about Kamla's house. He also continues to act as though the PNM needs no reform, but just lost its way temporarily because of the self-same Manning. One gift Dr. Rowley doesn't need is a set of balisier blinkers, since he already has a drawer full.

Winston Dookeran. It hasn't quite been invented yet, but if you can lay your hands on a quantum calculator, this would be the ideal gift for the Finance Minister. As you may or may not know, quantum particles exist in a state of uncertainty, just like Dookeran. It is only when they are measured that they assume a definite position, and clearly Dookeran's existing calculators aren't up to the task of measuring the Clico payouts, the contractors' debt, or the cost of AG Anand Ramlogan's several consultants. Just don't buy him a bobble-head doll, since it's nodding Yes to everything that probably got Dookeran in trouble in the first place.

Watson Duke. The president of the Public Services Association is very easy to buy for. He doesn't need any negligees, jewelry, or high-heeled shoes. All he needs is a pie. It doesn't matter what kind of pie—pecan, blueberry, apple, or pork. However, you will have to include a note explaining that he won't be able to share the pie with the 65,000 public servants he represents, since there are only so many slices a pie can be divided into. In fact, you should draw a pie chart as well, though even this graphic may not change the born-again Duke's socialist belief that, like Jesus, he can feed the multitudes with five fishes and two loaves of bread.

Pan Trinbago. Obviously, it is hard to find an appropriate gift for any organisation, and for this group it's even harder: and I'm not just referring to their heads. There are so many gifts you can't give panmen, because they already have a chip on their shoulder, a begging bowl, and a copy of How to Spend Other People's Money by leading expert PAM Manning. However, a good gift is a lifetime supply of earplugs, which will aid in protecting their hearing, prevent them hearing how their music really sounds, and help them to not hear other people's opinions.

Herbert Volney & Anil Roberts. There is no better gift this Xmas for these two gentlemen than the Complete Oxford English Dictionary. This will help one of them avoid vague language so that, when he impugns the character of the Chief Justice, everyone will be sure who he's impugning. The OED will assist the other individual to speak literally so, when he cusses, everyone will know that he cuss and, more importantly, know how much taxpayers' dollars he spent to cuss. Just don't get either of them any statues of Janus, the two-faced god.

PNM commentators. Columnists Selwyn Cudjoe, Keith Subero, and the majority of radio talkshow hosts need only one gift: the Clue® Board Game. They are still unable to deduce that their party was crushed by billion-dollar buildings wielded by their born-again leader in the last general election. Don't buy any of these PNM-till-Ah-deads a glass house, because they all live in one.

Kevin Baldeosingh