15 Dec 2011

The definitive guide to achieving and maintaining insomnia!

Just follow this guide to the letter and you are bound to succeed in achieving and maintaining insomnia. I am so confident that my guide works that I’m backing it with a £1000 guarantee!! If you provide reliable video and audio evidence that you have tried all items on this guide on three days per week for 4 consecutive weeks, and it does not achieve and maintain ‘insomnia’ on at least 4 nights per week, I’ll pay hard cash!! On payment of the above some all evidence will be handed over in good order and become my property to do as I please. You then forfeit all rights to privacy and confidentiality, and agree irreversibly not to sue for defamation. [These strict terms and conditions apply. Offer may be withdrawn or amended without notice. English law applies].

Health warning & Disclaimer: Non-adult persons must not attempt this advice. This advice may damage anybody’s health seriously and no liability is accepted because you’re stupid enough not to read the undercurrent of this guidance.  Chronic insomnia may cause deficient cognitive function and some kinds of mental disorders. For legal purposes insomnia is defined above as inability for fall off to sleep for greater than two hours after settling to attempt sleep at night and having fallen asleep there is awakening for at least 30 minutes with inability to fall off to sleep for the following 30 minutes, with more at least three such episodes per night.

Here goes:

  1. Drink a good excess of alcohol every day consistently for 5 weeks. To do this right you must put your health at risk. I mean you need a liver-frying lot of alcohol. If you don’t know what that is, it’s usually in excess of a bottle of wine every day, or more than 2 pints of regular strength lager/day, or more than half-bottle of spirits per day. But the message is basically get on with it well into whatever you feel comfortable with even if it doesn’t make you drunk. The general message is to drink three times the government recommended safe amount for women of 14U/week and 28U/week. Don’t Google that.. forget about it.. just get drunk regularly and you’ll do fine with this advice.
  2. This gets even better. Now smoke tobacco products. I mean at least one smoke per day is the minimum. However, the more you smoke the better for achieving insomnia. Forget about the risk of emphysema, bronchitis, lung-cancer and nearly every kind of cancer, heart disease, rheumatoid arthritis etc. Look, if you start thinking about all that you’d probably restrain yourself and not achieve insomnia. Focus!!! And block out anything that distracts you from achieving insomnia. You don’t friggin care.. you wanna live fast and die young!!
  3. Next abuse caffeinated beverages of every kind. Claim or pretend that you don’t know because you’re dyslexic and dumb, what caffeine abuse is. You should never read labels on things like tea, coffee, Red Pull, Pit Bull, Cola etc..That will risk this whole thing not succeeding – and I’m not going to pay if you don’t follow this to the letter. So ensure you get several video shots on different days of you picking and purchasing such beverages and not reading the labels. Oh – and don’t Google Caffeine abuse or Caffeine toxicity. It is also important to drink as much caffeinated anything within about 3 hours of settling into bed.
  4. Get to bed at different times on different nights. Do not forget to sleep during the day.
  5. Ensure that your room is either seriously too hot or too cold i.e. you must either be sweating like a pig or hearing your knees knocking!
  6. Blast loud music, or real or recorded sounds of loud animals or people screaming, within earshot. Alternatively move to spend more time in a room close to a nightclub.
  7. Whatever you do or think, do not indulge in any kind of bedroom Olympics i.e. do not have a bonk minutes before attempting to fall asleep.
  8. If all fails start jogging around your room to build up a real sweat. I mean you really need to get into your Cardiozone for about 30 mins just before settling into bed.
  9. In those episodes where you have awakened and cannot fall off to sleep – get out of bed, walk around your bed and count sheep whilst pacing for the next 30 minutes. To enhance the whole effect suck on few fags probably ten in 30 minutes. Yes – you can smoke two or three fags at the same time. Inhale deeply of course – look you need that £1000 I’m offering. Oh and don’t forget to record all this on video camera – no evidence, me no pay!
  10. Go to sleep with a full bladder or bowel!! Set an alarm for every 2 hours to remind you to drink 500mls of water, beer, coffee or tea.
  11. If all of the above don’t work to keep you wide awake, then keep your mind racing about all the horrible things people have said to you, what you should have said back to them but didn’t, swear loudly in your bed like a real nutter, I mean you really want to get yourself into a right frenzy.

That’s it.. I’ll be updating this advice periodically so do check in again soon. In fact you can use that as an adjunct to creating and maintaining insomnia i.e. you surf on this site and then you hit the refresh button repeatedly waiting for the page to change!!

Happy insomnia! Happy winnings.

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