6 May 2013

Supplementary Skype tips for Rock-crawlers

Doh arks meh how these tips became necessary. Just accept that some Rock-crawlers still don’t get it. And note that I have not alluded to any named individual/s or given any clues about the identity of any individual/s. 

  1. You will need a device that can run Skype – and it must have a working microphone and a speaker that can be used by Skype.
  2. There needs to be a live internet connection on the device for Skype to work.
  3. You need to be logged into Skype on the said internet enabled device.
  4. You cannot do a Skype to Skype call unless the other person is online with you. [No – I’m not talking about making a telephone call from Skype to a landline].
  5. You cannot be logged into the same Skype account on two separate computers and expect to hold voice conversations with another person – it is doomed to fail.
  6. You cannot be logged in to your Skype account on the Rock and be logged into the same account 5500 miles away and expect to use the same account to speak to your people who are logged in to the same account, back on the Rock. You really need two separate accounts: one for you 5500 miles away and the other back on the Rock in another name.
  7. If your Rock-crawler famaly are logged in on the Rock and you are logged in on the same account 5500 miles away, then you can expect Skype not to work for you – and you will most probably not receive Skype calls.
  8. Ensure that eef yuh want to call landlines from Skype that you have Skype credit of some sort. Yes – this normally means you need to pay some money (unless you have some Skype promo offer in place for free landline calls). And doh arks me how tuh do dat.
  9. And finally, doh call me and arks me to call A, B, or C to tell dem to switch orn dey Skype so dat you can call dem for free on Skype. Why? Because from here on you’ll get one or two responses:
    1. A bill for the call (which may be very cheap) and my time (pro-rata) at £600 /hr (i.e. roughly TT$ 6000/hr), and/or
    2. Knowing that you are a Rock-crawler with a high probability of refusing tuh pay – along wid whinging ol’ talk such as “So yuh does treat yuh fren an’ famaly boi?” - you will then be the recipient of a concentrated volley of four letter word expletives – including directions about which cliff to jump off and the appropriate posture to take whilst diving (normally head first).

That’s it! You take it or you leave it – in the words of Volney and KPB. All further questions to be directed to the people who created Skype (else you risk treatment very similar to 8.2 above).