9 Jun 2013

How to be stupid–Part 1

After years of studying stupidity among the humans and punishing them for it, I think I’m something of an expert in advising people how to be stupid. My mission is not to cure stupidity. Why? Because it is an essential quality that categorises certain groups of individuals as ‘stupid’. Were I to cure stupidity, I’d be left with no fools to suffer. I just can’t live like that – without my main source of pleasure. And tough if you think I should find different pleasures – cuz I actually decide my own pleasures, not you.

Before I get on with it – I thank all my readers for their various insults of the kind which would indicate that “He thinks he’s better than everybody?…Why he has to be so blasted arrogant.. does he think he’s perfect?” etc.  I know what to expect from the humans. They like their stupidity and anyone who attempts to point them out, invites exclusion from the ‘herd’ and taking down a few notches.

Right – so to get on with the advice on being stupid, the following is a broad strategic approach with a few specifics. This is only guaranteed to work if you work the ‘programme’.

  1. Switch off your brain, and/or just do as you feel. Use the ‘force’ or power of God or whatever inspires you to take any particular action.
  2. If you’re unable to switch off your brain, disregard the rules of logic, assuming that you start off so gifted as to know the rules of logic. Practice begins now: Jump up and down on the spot and shout 1 + 1 = 11 – repeatedly for the next hour. Soon enough you’ll believe it. Practice and repetition makes perfect.
  3. Invest time (and/or money) in accessing new information, attending courses, but learn nothing. How you do that is to switch off during attendance. You nod your head as if you’re paying attention, but really you’re more concerned about ‘more important’ things.
  4. But if you happen to learn something, by some stroke of luck, and assuming that it is legal and moral to apply such learning, ensure that you never apply what you have learned. Also ensure that you add a list of excuses to your failure to apply learning – but the excuses are optional because if you want to get stupid fast, no excuses are required. Look, let me break this down. It’s like going to a supermarket, spending your time and money doing your long shopping list, getting to the checkout, paying for your list of purchases – and then just leaving all of the stuff there and heading straight home (without any good reason whatsoever).
  5. If you find that you’ve made a mistake or repeated mistakes in a certain area of functioning, acknowledge your mistakes to at least 20 ‘friends’, gain their sympathy and do bugger all about your mistakes. Just continue to repeat such mistakes, acknowledge them and repeat them like it’s nobody’s business. Your so-called friends are unlikely to insult you for being so stupid. Don’t ask – I just know it. Don’t you see I’m actually simulating being stupid as I write this – and I think I’m doing a good job. Yes – I have to take a (simulated) lead sometimes.
  6. Be stubborn. This really helps. Model your existence on ‘real stubbornness’.  The best way to fail to learn or adapt is to be stubborn.
  7. Contradict yourself, again like it’s nobody’s business. Believe that people won’t pay much attention, remember what you said two weeks ago, or two years ago. 
  8. Admit your personal flaws widely. This really gains much sympathy from people – or so you need to think. But the value of such admissions is to come later, when you demonstrate your flaws. Shift blame and responsibility onto other people, things -  and life’s circumstances. Remember – it’s always a sad story  - and people love sad stories. You just have to believe that.
  9. Similar to ‘real stubbornness’, never try to hide the fact of how stupid or deficient you are. I mean, transparency is your goal – innit? Joke about your particularly stupid behaviour. Declare that you are boasting about your stupidity. I mean, rebelliousness and contempt for the opinions of others really seals the deal. Preface your sentences with words like, “I don’t mean to be sound stupid..” – actually this is a good way to let people know that if you’re actually stupid, they won’t make a meal of it in front of you. [Well don’t pull that one when I’m around].
  10. Declare that you are ‘insightless’. This has a good effect, ensuring that people ignore you and don’t waste any time on you.
  11. Expect solutions to your problems to pop out of thin air. You know that the meek and humble shall inherit the earth – and therefore the good Lord will provide. You don’t need to trust me on this, just ask your fav guru or religious leader – and trust them. I’m certain anyway that they’ll confirm what I’m saying.

I’ll be working on Part 2 over the next few weeks, so you’ll have to wait a bit. You’re getting this advice for free. I was about to say “Don’t be stupid!” but that would be contradictory to the whole thrust of this programme. Look, this business of blogging takes much energy. Calm down and practice until the next round of advice. You have homework to do! LOL.